Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love
Okay, so I’m going a little bit off my usual with this one. 😉 I’m feeling a little vulnerable and exposed by talking about my enthusiasm for this “self-help” book, but I couldn’t help myself. And, anyway, my whole goal with this blog is to tell you when I find something pretty awesome to read (whether it be romance or otherwise) and this is one of those.
I know a ton of us are either getting back into the dating world, are dating or are in a relationship (whether married or otherwise) where we could probably use some advice in understanding each other, and better yet… ourselves. And this one does just that!
It’s a really good, logical, eye-opening study (loaded with examples, scenarios, and detailed, yet down-to-earth explanations of where our attachment styles might come from and why, and how to express ourselves appropriately, and understand others so that we can be happy). Better communication and understanding (and as a result) happier life, or more informed choices. 😉 Right?
Your attachment needs are legitimate.
The authors explain three different “attachment” styles, and not only did I IMMEDIATELY pinpoint my own “style” (I recognized myself so readily), but I could also recognize others that I’ve been in relationships with, and where exactly, we were both coming from (and what went wrong… or even what went right).
…people have very different capacities for intimacy. And when one person’s need for closeness is met with another person’s need for independence and distance, a lot of unhappiness ensues. By being cognizant of this fact, both of you can navigate your way better in the dating world to find someone with intimacy needs similar to your own (if you are unattached) or reach an entirely new understanding about your differing needs in an existing relationship—a first and necessary step toward steering it in a more secure direction.
“Attachment styles”, you ask? Yep. Two insecure styles and one “secure”. And NONE of them are wrong. They are just WHO they are, and WHAT they need to be happy.
The key to finding a mate who can fulfill those needs is to first fully acknowledge your need for intimacy, availability, and security in a relationship—and to believe that they are legitimate. They aren’t good or bad, they are simply your needs. Don’t let people make you feel guilty for acting “needy” or “dependent.” Don’t be ashamed of feeling incomplete when you’re not in a relationship, or for wanting to be close to your partner and to depend on him.
I can guarantee you’ll recognize people you know (family, friends, and loved ones – past or present), in each.
Okay and this is just how I perceived these styles as described (so don’t take me word for word) but I think you’ll get the “gist”
The “anxious style” – insecure BUT!!! LOVING & wide open and maybe even terrified about it. The one that immediately, internally, second-guesses pretty much… everything when it comes to “the other” and their level of dedication back. Emotional, heart-on-your-sleeve type but worries themselves over feelings that might not be reciprocated, or jumps to conclusions about lack of response, or well… overreacts, or withdraws to regain the desired attention. THAT SAID… when an anxious style is sufficiently loved and supported by the one they love… a lot of that “insecurity” falls to the wayside. And all can be well.
The “avoidant style” – also insecure, but to many, seems PLENTY secure. They present themselves in a more independent way. Resistant in regards to emotions and “love” and commitment. Not as emotional (if at all) and prefer to be on their own. Struggle with what they consider “needy” partners, which in turn, may push them away even further.
The “secure” style – Ahhhhh these are the balance inbetween and can do well with EITHER style. In fact… they may just “complete” the others. Sure, they experience heartache and breakups too, but they are secure about loving and being loved. They aren’t afraid to let their feelings be known, they aren’t afraid to go in solidly, and they don’t second guess their wants and especially, their needs. SECURE. It’s the best way to describe them.
This study provides scenarios of the different styles together, and why they might work and why they might NOT work. But it also provides insight into how to deal, adjust, and not have to play games if you’re already in a relationship and struggling with the emotional attachment styles. How to communicate. How to give and how to receive. And how to move on if it’s just not working. And how to deal with the aftermath (if it comes to that).
…we must constantly remind ourselves: In a true partnership, both partners view it as their responsibility to ensure the other’s emotional well-being.
It’s fantastic and eye opening and…. relieving!!!! And the epilogue is EVERYTHING!!! I’d totally quote it here… it answers it all. But I’ll let you read it from start to finish and come to your own personal conclusions and better yet… understanding.
So anyway, despite my huge trepidation in publicly reviewing this (should I, shouldn’t I? Should I just keep these “finds” to myself?), I just know a ton of us will benefit immensely from this book. And while this may not be a “romance book” review, this still has everything to do with love, right? 😉